Lucky

I’ve heard this a gazillion times: “You are so lucky!” I disagree… Lucky would have been if we avoided the collision all together, or if I would have had a few bumps and bruises, maybe. Being in pain all the time isn’t lucky. I’m alive because the ambulance staff and hospital trauma center were well trained professionals. They did what they vowed to do, and as a result I didn’t die.

I don’t believe I am still here because some higher power decided it wasn’t my time yet, or I have a purpose in life that I have to fulfill first. I don’t think I’m being punished for something I did wrong either. There isn’t anything the “understand”… I used to think a lot about the “why me?”, but I’ve came to realize sometimes shit happens, and life is a bitch.

There was a time I was really trying so hard to believe in something, but I think it was mostly because I wanted something I could blame… either them or me… I wanted a reason.

Anyhow, when someone tells me a story about something traumatic that happened to them, I won’t tell them they’re lucky… I will tell them I’m so sorry.

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“It’s hard to dream when you live a nightmare”

That’s a lyric from a Janet Jackson song that always stuck with me… It is true. It is really scary to look at the future when you know it will most likely only be more painful than your past and present. Having no relief in sight, is a depressing thought.

My life is beautiful. I have a wonderful husband, and fantastic children. I feel loved every single day. We live in a gorgeous house, in a very nice neighborhood, with great neighbors and friends all around us. We don’t struggle financially, and I don’t even have to work full-time! I’m very fortunate to being able to spend a lot of time with the kids and I even have time to grab a coffee or lunch with a friend on occasion.

More than 18 years ago I was a victim in a horrific car accident. After I awoke from a coma, the pain was present, and it has never left. More than 18 years, I have been in pain 24/7. I don’t know life without pain, I don’t remember. I was barely 17 years old when it started.

I often said, I wish I would had died that day in 1997… I don’t want to die now! I’ve come this far, it would all have been for nothing… but if I would have died then, at least I wouldn’t suffer, and I wouldn’t have known…

I have seen more doctors and specialists than I can remember. They all give up. Just a month ago one told me “You shouldn’t be alive”. The injuries my body endured should have been fatal. Now I’m a medical mystery. There are no other patients to compare me with. There are no studies out there with people who have similar injuries and symptoms, because nobody’s alive…

I’m starting this blog to have an outlet. I need to “complain” somewhere…