Helping out

Today was the due date for my second born in 2010. My son was born a week earlier via a scheduled c-section because of my previous pelvis fracture. It is crazy thinking back. I miss being pregnant… It is such a surreal, amazing, magical experience to have a little human growing inside your tummy. Both my pregnancies were considered high-risk because my first one was a suspected IUGR (Intrauterine growth restriction) which┬árefers to a condition in which an unborn baby is smaller than it should be because it is not growing at a normal rate inside the womb. Delayed growth puts the baby at risk of certain health problems during pregnancy, delivery, and after birth. They include: Low birth weight. My daughter was just under 5 lbs when she was born, but was completely healthy and gained weight very quickly outside the womb. It was a scary time those last couple of months of the pregnancy. With my son the growth was fairly normal, but there was a higher risk of a chromosomal issue. The doctor offered the option to abort at 20 weeks, but thankfully I declined. My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I cannot bear the thought having to live without either one in my life. My son has a bicuspid aortic valve, which is a heart condition, but fortunately in his case, he has absolutely no problems with it. He is just a normal, crazy little boy!

Pregnancy as a chronic pain sufferer was hard though. I’m sure it can be hard for any woman, regardless of physical condition, but I can only speak for myself. I don’t take medicine regularly, but I occasionally grab some ibuprofen to take off the edge when the pain is ridiculous. During pregnancy however, Ibuprofen isn’t allowed. So I suffered, a lot. I don’t know how I did it, to be honest, but I actually also continued to work full-time all the way til the end, both times. Looking back, I wish I would’ve given my body a break. I should’ve stayed home more to rest, to prepare, to enjoy.

For a long time I begged my husband to let me be pregnant again. I don’t want another child, but I missed being pregnant so much, that I wanted to carry a child for a woman who couldn’t. I wanted to be a surrogate. I wanted to give a family the opportunity to be whole, to feel the love I experience each and every day. My husband understood my desires, but also kept me grounded and reminded me of the struggles I had during my 2 pregnancies. The uncontrollable headaches, and other pains, made it unbearable sometimes. He also told me he loved me too much, that he was too scared to loose me, for the kids to be without their mom, since every pregnancy bears this risk. So I let it go.

I still have this urge to help. There are too many horror stories in the news about abused children, and I would love to be that safe haven for at least a few. I wish I could foster all the kids who so desperately need guidance, or just a hug. I try to volunteer when I can. Right now, with this stupid knee, I can’t even drive my kids to school, let alone be useful anywhere, and I can’t stand myself. I know it’s not my fault, I know this will pass, but I just have this desire bursting inside of me to go out there and help!

Helping others makes my pain more bearable. It gives me a purpose beyond myself… beyond the disabilities. I need it.

Give me a break

Why can’t my body just have one pain at a time?! One… I can handle one. This pain in my knee is all I need. The horrendous, debilitating headache, and this excruciating pain in my back, should give me a break. It’s not because I feel these pains all the time, that I’m used to them! I want to be without, always, forever, or just for one day… I’ll take what I can get.

Useless

For having had minimal invasive surgery, I am disappointed at the amount of pain I’m still dealing with. My headache isn’t showing any mercy either. Because of the amount of time I’m sitting/laying in the couch now, my back is aching outrageously as well.

Last Wednesday I asked the physician assistant for a different painkiller, since the oxycodone was making me too itchy and too “out of it”. So I am taking Norco now, which doesn’t help a whole lot. It makes me sleepy though, and I’m feeling light-headed and nauseous ­čśú

I feel so useless. There are so many things I want to do! My folks are still here. I’m sure they’re bored out of their mind. I’m getting emails from the kids’ teachers about class parties and donation requests and all I want to do is get up, go shopping, and start helping out, yet I can’t do any of it. I hate to be like this.

Day after

Day after surgery #17. The 6th one on my right knee.

The surgery went well, but not as planned. They were supposed to do a bone graft, but once the surgeon saw the extend of the damage and deterioration, he decided to close the knee back up, and have me scheduled for a total knee replacement in the near future.

Because this surgery wasn’t invasive, I am able to move around pretty good. I even went to my son’s school this morning to deliver treats to the classroom for his birthday. My dad drove us and carried the box with homemade Belgian waffles!

I did have to take an oxycodone when I got home, because of course I overdid it a little… but my son is worth it. I’d do anything for my kids, no matter how much it hurts.

Tomorrow I’m having a follow up appointment with my surgeon, and he’s going to give me a referral to the knee replacement specialist. Hopefully we can have it done this year. I just want it over with now, you know. No reason to postpone anymore.

I suck

Since my previous medication was making my headache significantly worse, my neurologist prescribed me something totally different: Memantine (or Namenda) which is used to treat Alzheimer Disease… It’s unofficially also given to patients with OCD, anxiety, bipolar disorders… So it’s quite interesting, and I’m curious if it’ll do me any good. At this point I have nothing to lose anymore, so I guess we’ll give it a shot.┬áI am not keeping my hopes up, I can tell you that. I’ll start taking them after my surgery and when I’m cleared by the Orthopedic surgeon.

My knee surgery is on Monday. I am still trying not to think about it. I was told the bone graft wouldn’t be covered by the insurance, since it’s considered “experimental”. Have I ever told you how much I hate everything related to the medical field? Doctors, insurance companies, pharmaceuticals,… It’s all so much bullshit.

I have been going to L.A. for physical therapy a few times now. They recommended a TENS unit to reduce my headaches. I’ve bought it (on Amazon) and I have yet to use it… I just don’t get around doing it. I was also given a bunch of exercises to do at home, but of course, one; I’ve lost the sheet with the instructions, and two; I have been either too busy or in too much pain to get them done. I’m so bad at this!

Last weekend

To celebrate my daughter’s birthday, and to give my parents a pleasant memory to their stay here in the States, I had booked a condo at the beach this last weekend.

My headache was the worst it’s been in a long time, especially Friday before we left already. I don’t know how I made it. On Saturday morning I woke up with still a horrible headache, and one eye ball looked bloody from a popped vein which I’m sure was caused by the pain the night before. It was so hard to “look” normal, and to act like I was fine, having a good time. I really didn’t want to ruin this weekend for the kids and my parents. On Saturday, after breakfast, I took 800mg ibuprofen, and after lunch another 600mg, which made everything a bit more tolerable, but it was a rough weekend, regardless. I cannot tell you how fed up I am with the pain in my head. On Sunday, my daughter’s birthday, she wanted to spend some time at an indoor arcade, and it was so ridiculously loud in there, but when I said something about the noise, I just got “the look” from my husband to not spoil my daughter’s birthday. So I dealt with it, and I survived… that’s my life. I survive every day. Guess that’s as much as I can expect.

Rescheduled

After putting so much thought into picking a surgery date and having my whole schedule arranged around that, the freaking surgeon’s office called today to reschedule to October 17 instead. It’s very frustrating. October 18 is my son’s 6th birthday. I feel terribly guilty for knowing already how incapable I’m going to be in doing anything! I scheduled originally for a week before so at least I would most likely be able to move around a little, and the day could really be all about him. Now I’m probably going to be stealing some of his spotlight.

Maybe I should just cancel the damn surgery! I’m so not ready for this.