Another Rebirthday

It’s the night before my 24th rebirthday. That’s the date my new, painful, life began. It’s so bizarre, because 2 days later is my real birthday but yet I always anticipate this day tomorrow more than anything. It is so so so surreal to me. If you ask me how long my recovery period was after the accident, I’d tell you it’s still ongoing. 24 years. It’ll never end until the day I die. The realization that it’s been so damn long ago, is depressing but at the other hand it’s also amazing. I’m amazed I’m still doing this. I’m amazed I still wake up every single day with a ridiculous headache and a body that feels like it got hit by a truck each morning. I’m amazed that somehow I find joy in my everyday life. The first joyful part of the day is when I drink my first sip of coffee 😆

All in all I think I’m doing pretty good at hiding my pain. Most of my friends have no clue the amount of agony I’m in all the time, and that’s the way I like it. I hate to be a drag. I still don’t cancel any planned events for the sole reason of aching too much, because I continue to refuse to let it rule my life.

Although my rebirthday isn’t the happiest of memory to relive every year, I am grateful to be here. Grateful for the life I have, regardless of the pain. I won’t let it ruin my joy.

Checking in

Hello there.

It’s been awhile. Life has been interesting. A lot has changed. We moved! Not just across town, no we moved to Mexico! The beautiful Yucatán 🇲🇽

2 and a half years ago I did finally get my knee replaced. Still not sure if that was the right thing to do. My knee, or whatever’s mine around the prosthesis, still hurts. A lot. All the time.

My headache continues to be brutal. I’ve seen a neurologist here in Mexico, and he was the most arrogant piece of shit doctor I’ve ever dealt with! I’ve lost pretty much all little faith I had left in doctors.

It’s 1:40 am right now and I’m in too much pain to fall back asleep. I woke up from something beeping in the room about an hour ago.

In the morning I have a training session with my personal coach. I started working out with this guy almost 6 months ago. I see him three times a week and I never miss a session! I’m pretty proud of myself for not letting the excuses dictate my life. Since the training is so personal it’s really catered to my limitations and even though I haven’t lost a single pound yet, I feel stronger. My endurance has improved a lot and I’m able to walk further. My pain isn’t any better though. My headache is outrageous and my knee and back, mostly, hurt pretty much every minute of every day.

Since moving to Mexico the quality of life has improved substantially. I no longer have to work at all to make ends meet and I pretty much do whatever I want. Unfortunately COVID ruined a lot of the experience, but I’m still very grateful for our opportunities. I have taken on a role of art teacher at a small local school! It’s been fun despite the fact that the added stress cause added pain in my head. At least I’m busy! The classes are currently online only but I’m enjoying the experience. To see the students’ creativity is a reward on its own.

I don’t really know what made me blog again, but I’m going to try to keep it up, at least to have an account of this time in my life. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing well.

Tonight’s thought

To enjoy today, you have to forget yesterday’s pain, but what if today’s pain isn’t any different? What if you know tomorrow’s pain will be the same? When can you enjoy? How do you carry on, knowing that every single minute of every single day in your future will be full of pain?

Life goes on

For so many months I have had random thoughts about what my next blog should be about, but nothing ever seemed important enough to share. My life isn’t any different than when I started sharing with you. None of the treatments have been successful, so my pain is still the same.

I wish I had positive news to report, but I am afraid I’m starting to bore you with my complaining. I don’t really feel all that comfortable to let you know how much it sucks to live life in my body.

This whole blog thing was an experiment to see if it would help me in any way, but I think it made me more conscious of the pain, which is not something I enjoy. I also feel like it makes it seem like I’m this miserable person, and I don’t think I am. I have accepted my condition, even though I don’t like it, and I don’t want it, it makes it easier to navigate through every day, because I’m not consumed by self pity, or I don’t question “why me?”, ever. I understand life is tough, I understand shit happens, and I know that I have to choose to be happy to stay alive.

I’ll stop by on occasion, and I may share again sooner or later. Until then.


Most of the time when I see a new doctor, or I see discussions about headaches, the question about triggers comes up.

My daily trigger is waking up. As long as I wake up, I’ll have a headache. It’s a given, and it never fails. I have woken up without a headache, literally, zero times in 20 years.

Over the years I’ve taken notice of some of the most common things to increase my daily headache, and they include, but are not limited to: crying; laughing; loud noise; repetitive sounds; light; watching a movie; going to the bathroom; climbing a flight of stairs; walking up the street; large crowds; stressful situations; making love; riding a bicycle; drinking cold drinks; alcohol; menstrual cycle; rapid images; dancing; feeling hot; feeling cold; being startled; doctor appointments; studying; being hungry; overeat; dehydration; too much sleep; not enough sleep; body aches; bending down; standing up; fatigue; traveling; whistling sounds; dentist visits; getting my hair done at a salon; massages; taking a nap; strong, foreign smells; raising my voice; working out; and often there’s no reason whatsoever.

As you can imagine, most doctors can’t wait to get rid of me. They don’t know where to start.

Lost Hope

The best thing that I did for myself, was letting go of hope. Hope was debilitating. Each time I hoped, I was disappointed. The disappointment sometimes would be so huge, that it would take months to get out of the hole I felt I landed in.

It’s a popular saying… “Don’t lose hope”, but I recommend the opposite when you’re dealing with chronic pain. Hope doesn’t do you any good when you’re constantly reminded that the pain is here to stay. Hope is an illusion that you will get better, while knowing in the back of your head that’s unlikely to ever happen.

When I quit hoping, I was able to accept, and move on with my life as is. I can now enjoy the time with my family without being consumed by this fairytale dream.

I still look for relief. I still receive treatment, because I’m too stubborn to just give up, but I’m realistic in my expectations. When a treatment doesn’t work now, I just move on to the next, without being hugely disappointed.

Losing hope saved my sanity.


Even though I haven’t had much success with the depakote IV ‘s so far, the neurologist and I have decided to start taking a daily oral low dose. But not after extensive warnings and reassurances that I can ABSOLUTELY NOT get pregnant! The chance of devastating birth defects are guaranteed while taking this medication. Luckily I have no plans whatsoever to have more children, and we take plenty precautions 😉

The neurologist also has me scheduled for a Neuropsychology evaluation at the hospital in July. It is a 3 hour long exam to test my memory and stuff. I’ll keep you posted on that.

“Neuropsychological tests are specifically designed tasks used to measure a psychological function known to be linked to a particular brain structure or pathway. Tests are used for research into brain function and in a clinical setting for the diagnosis of deficits.”


I’ve been busy lately, hence the lack of posting blogs.

For the last couple of months, or maybe a little longer, I’ve been noticing my memory isn’t what it used to be! I’m only 37 so I can’t really blame it on aging. Here and there I became aware of things I totally forgot about saying or doing. Now I don’t even argue with my husband anymore when he says “I already told you!” because maybe he did…

Yesterday, early afternoon, I was putting away laundry in my daughter’s room, and I realized I didn’t remember which clothes they were wearing to school. Usually I lay their outfits ready the night before, so in the morning there are no delays, but I knew I didn’t do that this time. I was breaking my head over it, and I couldn’t recall handing them clothes that morning. It actually crossed my mind for a second that maybe they went to school in the pajamas! In the end I decided they must’ve picked out their own outfits.

After school, when I saw them walking down the street from the bus stop, I saw their clothes, and recognized them immediately as the ones I GAVE THEM in the morning! Why did I not remember this??? It’s starting to scare me. I’m not on any medication.

Last time something like this happened, I was on a new med, and I did discontinue taking it shortly after because I was losing my mind. Now I don’t know what to change!

Next week I’ll my seeing my neurologist, so I’ll definitely address this.


I don’t even know where to start anymore. I’ve had so much pain to deal with lately. Physical pain. I don’t know why, or what triggered my more-than-usual headache, but it’s been brutal. It has been raining a ton lately, which is not normal for Southern California, so I don’t know if that contributed, but regardless it sucks.

A few weeks ago I was at work and I sat at my bench for a while, and then when I got up from my chair, I almost fell over! The sensation I felt in my head was like an earthquake, followed by a giant wave, and destruction. My coworker watched me grab onto the desk next to me and asked if I was okay, and all I could say was “I just had a tsunami in my head!”

On Thursday I went to court for observation for a volunteer position I’m training for, and the overload of information and stimuli gave me a horrible headache, but instead of going home and rest, I went to Target to buy stuff, to the grocery store to buy food, went home and did laundry, picked up the kids from school, helped them with homework, prepared a very nice, healthy, stir-fry with a bunch of hand-cut veggies, cleaned up the kitchen after dinner and put my husband’s portion in the microwave, since he was running late from work. Shortly after he got home, I crashed in the couch and wasn’t able to move anymore. When I finally decided to get up and go to bed, around 10 pm, my husband made a comment about not leaving him behind downstairs, and I got pissed that I had to remind him of my horrible headache! That aggravation pushed me over the edge, and then my knee gave out and I couldn’t walk anymore, so I started hyperventilating and crying, and I only made it up a couple of steps on the stairs, and then I collapsed! On a pain scale from 1 to 10 my headache was a 10! I couldn’t move for quite a while and I asked my husband for an ice pack and to turn off all the lights. I really had to focus on my breathing and calm myself down. After about 15 to 20 minutes, I crawled up the rest of the stairs. With support of my husband I was able to go to the restroom before I laid down in bed. Any movement made my headache unbearable. I was given an Oxycodone to fall asleep, but because I get itchy from any narcotics, I was only able to sleep until about 2 am and then the itchiness kept me awake. I went to the volunteer training again the next morning from 9 to 12 and halfway through training I took 4 ibuprofens to relief some of my headache symptoms, but they didn’t even scratch the surface.  I was supposed to go to work right after training. While I was driving I decided it was too dangerous for me to be driving, because my head felt like a plasma ball! You know where you have those currents run to the edge of the globe when you touch it and you can see the pretty colors, and “electricity”…. That’s exactly the experience I was feeling!

plasma ball.png(internet image)

I just came home and went to bed!! I slept most of the rest of the day. Only got up to pick up the kids and wait for my husband to get home to take over from me, and I went back to bed. Now it’s Monday and I still feel like I’m recovering from that extreme episode!

I have another busy couple of weeks coming up though, so I hope this pain will become more bearable!

Everyday’s a battle

And today I lost the battle, but I’m not ready to lose the war.

I’ve been in bed most of the day so far. My headache is outrageous. I took 1,000 mg of ibuprofen, and that made the pain slightly more bearable, but I still can’t function normally.

Thank goodness my kids are amazing. They’ve been quietly entertaining themselves all day. I made them some lunch, but that’s as useful as I got. This was the last day of the holiday break from school that I have with them, and I’d planned to take them somewhere fun, but the pain decided differently. I’m just glad I didn’t promise the kids anything beforehand. I guess I’ve learned my lesson on that one.

I hate this. Hate isn’t even the correct term… I despise, maybe? I don’t know, but I just want to live my life happily, and give my kids the attention they deserve.