When I began writing “for the world to read,” I didn’t really have any expectations. I didn’t know how far it would reach or who would actually care. It’s been a great outlet for me to organize some thoughts, fears, and frustrations.
I published 135 blog posts in the last 10 years and had a total of almost 1,400 visitors from 46 different countries! I have a little over 100 followers. It’s weird to think there are strangers out there who read my posts.
The biggest advantage I’ve gained from this endeavor is the feel of community. The blog posts I’ve read from others who are suffering made me feel deep connections to people I’ll never meet in real life. I’m glad I’m a part of this WordPress community despite not being very popular. I hope that someone out there has been able to benefit from my words and occasional wisdom.
To my readers, I wish you all the very best, and I hope you’ll stick around for many more years. Cheers!
It’s been almost 3 years since my friend’s husband ended his life after suffering from a chronic condition and excruciating pain for too long.
I can’t stop thinking about him.
I know what he went through emotionally. It is scary to be able to relate so well. Almost every day, I am wondering when I’ll get to that point. It’s not even an “if” but a certain “when.” I’m not suicidal at the moment. Truly, I’m not. I’m just realistic. I don’t know how much longer I can handle the pain. It’s not even the “normal” neverending headache, but all the other aches that add to the misery of my life.
I have a UTI this week. Started 2 days before Christmas. I called the doctor’s office right away at 8am. They called me back 4 hours later that I needed to go to the lab first to get a urine test. I went immediately and called the doctor’s office back about an hour later to let them know to look out for the result because I needed antibiotics asap, and I was in a lot of pain. They said they would not get the results for a few days. I was mortified and told them I couldn’t wait days, that I was shaking from the pain each time I went to the bathroom, and that I needed meds asap. They talked to the doctor, called me back (I didn’t hear the call), and left me a voicemail that they were sending a prescription for pain relief. (Not an antibiotic!) At this point, I was peeing straight up blood. I decided to go to urgent care instead. Paid my $50 copay and was in and out in 10 minutes. They prescribed an antibiotic, but it isn’t strong enough. I’m still hurting. It’s the day after Christmas now, and this whole time, I’ve been suffering extra, and I still haven’t heard from my primary doctor’s office. I know they got the labs because I can see them on my app. I very clearly have a severe UTI, but nobody bothers to check in with me. It’s stupid shit like this that will one day push me over the edge. WHY DON’T THEY BELIEVE ME?? I’m not asking for freaking opioids!
Sorry, that rant was longer than I had planned. I don’t know what to do anymore. Seriously, my body hurts too much in too many places. After 28+ years, I don’t want to start over with each new “specialist” I see. They’re all useless anyway.
The end of my 11-week training course is near 🙌
It’s been brutal. The stress and the physical pain have been awful. I honestly don’t know how I made it!
I know for a fact that I would’ve never been able to do this without the support of my husband. He’s truly the best. Not only did he keep the household going on the other side of the country, doing things he never had to do before, but he also kept me motivated. He never failed to tell me how proud he was, how much he believed in me, and how much he loved me. I’m for sure the luckiest woman on earth.
My kids have been great, too. They haven’t given their dad a hard time, and they helped with the cleaning and stuff. I’m really proud of them.
And I’m proud of myself, too. I didn’t think I was going to make it. It has been super hard. Not just academically but mentally and physically as well. The stress caused me so much added pain. I haven’t been sleeping well, either. I miss my bed, but not just that. My brain is fried, and it “buzzes” all the time. The headache is ridiculous. I’ve been taking too much ibuprofen to make it through the day, and it’s caused my stomach to feel bad again. In my normal day life, I can generally deal with the pain most of the time, but here I wouldn’t have survived.
Hopefully, after I get home in a little over a week from now, I can let my stomach recover. I just need to make it another week.
I’ve been writing this post in my head for the last month or so, and I still don’t know how to put it into words. I’m not even sure I know exactly what I’m trying to say.
I got the job. A new job that requires eleven weeks of training, on the other side of the country. I’m flying out tomorrow morning. I’ll be in a dorm with a roommate I don’t know yet. It’s going to be intense and difficult, but I’m excited.
A friend asked, “You must feel better then?” And it’s difficult to explain that, no, I don’t feel better. I actually feel worse than ever. I just need to keep pushing. I have to fake it to convince myself that I got this! As long as I stay busy, I can distract myself enough from the pain.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few weeks ago. Another thing that has no cure on top of everything else. It sucks big time. I’m trying to make it less painful with steroids, but it’s not working yet. I hope that I get some relief soon!!
Pain on top of pain on top of pain. I can not let it win. I can not break. Not yet!
Today, I fell apart. Full-blown sobbing. It started when I stepped out of the chiropractor’s office.
I’ll start at the beginning. About a month ago, I got this suggestion from a random Facebook person to try Atlas Orthogonal Chiropractic therapy. I had never heard of it, so I did some research and found a specialist somewhat near home (an hour drive). I scheduled an appointment and went a few weeks later on a Friday because that’s my day off.
The first visit was very… interesting, to say it gently. The guy, this chiropractor, was a very strange man, but his enthusiasm was contagious, and the science behind the treatment makes sense. It was worth it for me to give him a chance despite the steep price tag of $1,100 for the first visit and $150 for follow-ups. No insurance accepted.
I felt slightly better after the first adjustment. My neck didn’t feel as locked up as it had been for a while. I returned for my second appointment 5 days later and had another atlas adjustment done on my neck and a bunch of regular ones all over my body, because everything seemed to be misaligned (no surprise there).
The day after that 2nd appointment, I felt horrible! I was in a ridiculous amount of pain. I took some ibuprofen and went on like usual, since that’s how I roll. The initial pain was less severe the following days, but I was still more stiff overall and in a lot of pain generally than normal. Having been through all kinds of treatments before, I assumed that it had to get worse before it would get better, so I didn’t give it too much thought.
Today was my 3rd appointment, and the chiropractor first checked the alignment of my atlas to see if the last adjustment “held” and he was pleasantly surprised that it did. He was all happy and hopeful when he asked me how I was feeling. I guess he didn’t expect me to say that I’d been in a lot of pain and that I felt worse than before. He was in shock. Completely flabbergasted.
He proceeded with doing some other adjustments in my upper and lower back. He also felt the bone structure of my skull and told me they were very tight. Like, they’re supposed to move with a certain frequency and freely, but mine were stuck. Whatever the hell that means.
He then dropped the familiar bomb.
“I don’t think I can help you.”
I’ve heard it so many times from so many different doctors and specialists. I’ll never get used to it. I teared up, I told him I understood, paid my bill, and walked out.
That’s when I lost it. I didn’t even make it to my car without hunched over sobbing. I’m glad nobody else was around to witness it. I got into the car, and I drove off. I couldn’t stop crying for a good 20 minutes until I finally called my husband, and I couldn’t even speak. He calmed me down like only he can. I probably shouldn’t have been driving 75 miles an hour on the freeway while I could barely see through my tears, but I just had to get home.
Another treatment tried and failed. I don’t know if I can do this again.
This is the device to perform the Atlas Orthogonal treatment.
During our lunch date today, my husband was dreaming of all the places in the world he’d like to travel to. He mentioned countries in Europe, Africa, and even Australia. His enthusiasm is contagious.
Of course, I had to ruin it all.
I came in with my negativity of not being able to enjoy myself, so why waste the money? Why go somewhere fun when all I will remember is in how much pain I was? I continued talking about how tired I am of faking happiness in those moments because I don’t want to be a downer.
My husband immediately stopped talking and looked defeated. I felt terrible. How selfish of me to take away these dreams from the man I love! Why should he have to suffer? I told him he could travel without me! Take the kids, and have fun. He said he wouldn’t enjoy himself without me. I feel so bad.
I don’t know what the solution is. I love him, and I want him to enjoy life. He deserves to take any trip he desires! We’re still young, and I don’t want to spend the remainder of our lives confined to our house because my body is uncooperative. It’s not fair to any of us.
You get a thumbs up if you guessed I’d be having another skin surgery…
Yep, on my arm this time. I had this new little black mole that popped up out of nowhere, and I had it shaved off to send to biopsy. It was severely atypical… borderline melanoma, just like the previous 2 on my back. The first one was excised only last October, so it’s like my 3rd skin surgery in about 6-7 months. I’m not going to be able to keep this up!
My dermatologist said I was “lucky” that I don’t have that many moles on my body, so it’s easy to spot when new ones appear. I just don’t understand why they started appearing so frequently in the last half a year!
I’ve had (moderate) atypical moles removed in the past, 4 to be exact, but they were more spread out in time, and because they were moderate, the cut isn’t as dramatic. This Mohs surgery is no joke! Look it up if you’d please.
I’m going in May. They wanted to schedule me for April, but I don’t have time for it this month. My son has a bunch of performances coming up, and I don’t want to be in extra pain while I’m trying to enjoy his moments on stage!
My life ended and began again this day, but it doesn’t matter. There is no reason for celebration when pain is all I have gained.
I have to trick myself into believing I’m having a great time. Pretend to be enjoying.
I’m not having fun while I’m hurting so much. It NEVER ENDS. I want to love and be loved. I want to feel worthy. I don’t want to be a negative presence. I’m trying so hard to make memories, but all I ever remember is how much I suck. How much my body lets me down.
My husband deserves better. My kids deserve better. But I also know they’d be really hurt if I wouldn’t be around anymore. I don’t want to break their hearts and their spirit. I want to see them grow. They’re amazing humans, and they shouldn’t suffer because of me.
Life is so fucking hard. I know everyone has their struggles. I’m not competing. Fighting my own demons is enough. I just wish for joy once in a while. An enjoyable day without the aches is all I want to experience.
Happy Rebirthday to me.
Picture taken today at the beach. Those are my kids enjoying the ice-cold water while I’m sitting on the sand.
So, I’m still waiting to see a doctor. I have an appointment with the nurse practitioner at my primary doctor’s office on Friday.
I’m not worried that they’ll find something wrong with me. I’m way more scared that they don’t find anything wrong, which is what I usually get. Then, I’ll just continue on with my life, adding another pain to my “normal.”
If I have to be totally honest, I probably should’ve gone to urgent care or the emergency room at this point. I just know that they’ll send me home without finding a cause for the pain or come up with a bullshit diagnosis of “trapped gas” or something. I just don’t want to waste time or money on it.
Instead of taking advantage of free time during the weekend, I’ve been taking naps. Not because I’m particularly tired, but I just don’t want to hurt or feel anything. Actually, I lie. I’m exhausted. My body is betraying me. I’m 44 for Christ’s sake, not 84! What am I going to do in the future? I don’t want to think about it. It terrifies me to think how my health will continue to decline, and the medical world will just blame it on aging, although I’ve been aching since my teen years.
I hate doctors. They have no problem taking my money, despite having no answers. I don’t get it. When I was working as a watchmaker, and I couldn’t fix a watch, I wouldn’t charge the customer! No matter how many hours I wasted on trying to figure it out.
I guess I’m just bitter. Too many years of getting dismissed will do that. I’m becoming that grumpy old lady…
My daughter’s cat, Onyx, looking all grumpy at me.
Don’t they say that the body replenishes during sleep? Isn’t that what is supposed to happen? You go to bed, get a nice 7’ish hours of sleep, you wake up feeling fresh and well-rested. Ready to start another day, full of renewed energy.
Yeah, not me.
I feel like shit every single morning. My body aches, my head hurts, and the longer I stay in bed, the more I hurt. I wake up with a “hangover headache” without having had the pleasure of feeling the buzz. It’s not fair.
I haven’t been very physically active lately. Sitting many hours at a desk, driving around taking kids to and from places, and general exhaustion have limited my movement. I went for a 30-minute walk two days ago, and I’m still paying the price. I’m hurting bad. Not just some leg muscle aches. It genuinely feels like my body is ready to throw in the towel. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
My lower abdomen has hurt since the hysterectomy over 3 months ago. I figured it was normal, but when I texted the doctor’s office, they immediately called me to schedule an appointment. The first available isn’t until April 9, but I booked it anyway. Hopefully, the pain won’t intensify between now and then.
I feel defeated. I’m so so so tired of hurting. I’m truly scared of the future. Inevitably, only more pain is ahead.
I want to feel “normal” for once. I want to experience life without pain. What’s it like? It has been way too long. I seriously envy people who don’t hurt 100% of the time.
Invisible Pain 