My mood has been funky lately. I’ve generally felt annoyed and even angry at times.
Oftentimes these feelings are connected to some new medication. The Sydolil I’ve started taking for my headache doesn’t have any antidepressant ingredients as far as I know, so I don’t think they are the reason.
My husband applied for a promotion. Although I support him 100%, it would also turn our world completely upside-down if he gets it. We are supposed to stay 3 more years here in Mexico, but if he gets this job, we’ll be moving back to California in the next 3 to 6 months. That also means I’ll have to quit the job I now love doing. It means the kids will have to readjust to the American culture, one they were so happy to not be a part of. My daughter is set on graduating high school here… that won’t be possible if her dad gets the job. The kids don’t know. It’s a big if, and we don’t want to stress them out. It has been so incredibly hard for them to adjust to Mexico in the last 3 years, throw in a pandemic on top of it, so it would probably devastate them.
I don’t know what decision is the best one to make. I am so torn between my career growth opportunity and my husband’s. Everything we’ve ever done since getting married almost 20 years ago, has been in the best interest of his career. We have moved many times to be where he had to be to advance. Including this job in Mexico. It was supposed to be a 3 year contract with the option to extend up to 3 extra years. We spend a lot of family meetings discussing with the children what would be the best for us to do, and the final decision was to extend to the max. Stay the full 6.5 years and then go back to the States.
The last few months have been really hard at work for my husband. During the worst week of his time here, this opportunity in California opened up. It felt like a no-brainer at the time, but now we’re a month further and the uncertainties are killing us. We both started doubting if we’re doing the right thing.
Life is so good here! We are in a great neighborhood, we’re getting used to the new house, and we can afford a full-time, live-in housekeeper. The kids are doing well in school, and I’m loving my job.
In 2 days is my 1-year anniversary. I’ve learned soooo much! Not just about the job, but also about myself. I am way more capable than I ever imagined. A year ago my biggest fear was to not be able to work full-time anymore due to the pain. The headache was so debilitating that I didn’t think I would survive a 40-hour workweek. Now I know that I can. I know that I am able to learn faster and more complex concepts than I thought possible. I know that I can stand up for myself and earn respect for it, without coming across unwilling to be a valuable team member. I have gained so much confidence and feel less self-conscious about my perceived inabilities.
I wish I could continue working here and build a more impressive resume with more years of experience than just the one. I don’t have a bachelors degree, so at least 2 years in this kind of position is crucial for future employment opportunities.
But my husband’s career is more important. It really is. I’m not being a submissive little wife. We’ve established this before we even got married. It was a conscious choice we made as a young couple, and I’ll always support him. But he’s also torn! He knows how happy we all are here. He’s happy too! There are just some things that made his job really hard here and it has been weighing down on him psychologically. I want to put his emotional health first. But after he applied for the new job in Cali and several weeks have passed, he’s now reconsidering the impact of the events that happened a while back and he feels much better, mentally.
He received an email this Thursday that he made it to the “best qualified list” and now he has to write an essay basically convincing the panel why they should select him. Or he can pull out and say he’s no longer interested… but he would lose the opportunity to make it to the next step in his career, and he would basically give up his dream to ever make it to the top.
This decision is so freaking hard to make! I’m sure it’s what makes me so anxious and sad and angry. I’m living in limbo (again) because I have no clue what the near future holds and it drives me bonkers, plus I really worry about the kids.
Being an adult sucks.
On top of that, if you’re the first one reading this, YOU are the first one I’ve told. I have been dealing with these feelings and emotions all alone. My husband is the only one I can talk to about this and obviously he’s not calming my nerves. It’s been very hard. I wish I had an outlet. Someone to give me an unbiased opinion or just a listening ear, and a hug. I’m tired.
Oh and today is my daughter’s 14th birthday and she wants nothing to do with us. My whole day I’ve been waiting around to see what the princess wants, because she didn’t want us to plan anything! In other words, I wasted my day hoping she’d want to hang out with me for at least a little while. I know this day should be about her and whatever she wants to do, but I can’t say that this rejection doesn’t hurts.
Invisible Pain 